


Personal Matter

by lalazee



Series: Matter 'Verse [4]
Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 16:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalazee/pseuds/lalazee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was an old Human idiom regarding giving an inch and taking a mile. Jim did not take miles – he conquered planets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Matter

When Spock was young, he had seen a small girl and her doll.

The slack-limbed toy was patchwork, sewn together from errant scraps of cloth. Lifeless button eyes stared out at the world, uncomprehending of humanity. It only resembled a humanoid in shape, but certainly not appearance. There was nothing overtly Human or Vulcan about the doll – nothing distinguishable about it whatsoever.

It was fashioned from things that did not belong, that had no correlation or relevance to one another. And because it was an amalgamation of all that was unbefitting, the outcome was also something incongruous and vaguely disquieting.

The doll disturbed Spock for many years to come.

When his mind should not wander, he wondered if the seams were still tight, or if they were coming loose. He wondered how quickly it took for the child to realise how unappealing her doll was, and if she had recycled it yet. He wondered who had bothered to bring such an ugly toy into creation in the first place.

Indeed, that doll would not fade from Spock’s memory.

How could it, when every day he looked in the mirror he saw those same blank, black eyes peering blandly back at him?

“Mornin’,” Jim grunted as he padded nude into Spock’s cramped bathroom.

Spock’s attention flicked from himself in the glass to the scrunched, squinty-eyed expression of a man who never appeared to enjoy mornings. Jim was about to turn and use the toilet when he paused and aimed a narrow look at Spock’s reflection. His eyes were the most unnaturally luminous when he first awoke, and the sheer aberration of the hue caused a chill to crackle down Spock’s spine.

Spock felt a nip of curiosity from Jim – an experience to which he was still acclimating, as Jim had only recently allowed himself some freedom with his emotions in their relationship.

“What?” Spock said with a bite in his tone. He had spent his entire life being dissected by his peers, and Jim’s expression was that of a surgeon’s.

“What're you looking at?” Jim said slowly, deliberately as he shifted to slip his arms loosely around Spock’s waist. Jim’s chest pressed against Spock’s back, and he could just faintly feel Jim’s lazy heartbeat as their eyes met in the steam-fogged mirror.

“ _You_ , now.”

Jim snorted a laugh and pinched Spock’s hip hard enough to make him flinch. “Don’t play dumb. What did you see?”

Spock frowned at their reflections. “I... myself, naturally.”

“People rarely see themselves when they look in a mirror, Spock.” Jim’s lips whispered across Spock’s ear; sent his arm hair standing on end. His voice took on a sing-song quality that shivered over his skin. “You were faaar away.”

Spock swallowed with an audible click, but did well to compose his features. He could not, however, tear his gaze from Jim’s. Rarely could Spock break from the shackles of Jim’s charisma; never could he side-step the singularity with which Jim attacked a conversation. When Spock was pinned and flayed, there was no escape.

“I was and am exactly where I am.”

Jim hummed low in his throat and rested his chin in the plain of Spock’s shoulder. He studied their reflections for a time, unblinking and silent.

“Wanna know what _I_ see when I look at myself in the mirror?”

“If you are inclined to share,” Spock said in a voice quieter than he had anticipated.

“A person capable of anything.”

Spock’s brow wrinkled faintly as he contemplated Jim’s cool expression. From their shared touch he sensed... very little, frustratingly enough. But there had been no pride in the statement – no anger either.

“Your claim is admirable.”

“Is it?” Jim asked immediately, his tone brittle. “Should I be happy that I know I could do anything to anyone?”

“Yes,” Spock said just as sharply. “It is better to know you can do anything than to doubt your ability to accomplish a single task.”

“And that’s how _you_ feel.” Jim’s lips curled as if he had succeeded in his endeavour.

Spock refused to bristle, but his heart flared in his side. “I consider myself to be an accomplished individual.”

“So do I – but _you_ think you’re useless, so you have to prove to everyone that you aren’t.”

Spock clenched his jaw and moved to elbow Jim in the gut and leave. He should have known that allowing Jim to share his thoughts on occasion would be regrettable. Spock ripped his skin raw to show Jim his innards, and it was times like these when he wondered if Jim enjoyed seeing that pain.

There was an old Human idiom regarding giving an inch and taking a mile. Jim did not take miles – he conquered planets.

Jim simply shifted with Spock’s attempted evasion and abruptly had the small of Spock’s back pressed against the frigid sink basin. Jim’s arms caged Spock in, his smile cutting a white crescent across his stubbly jaw.

Spock could have broken free, but he had realised that a retreat gave Jim an upperhand that Spock refused to allow. He bit back a snarl and settled for a seething glower.

“If you understand my motivations so well, why do you insist on instigating such inane conversations?” Spock demanded.

Jim tipped forward, his smile disappearing with a dark flash in his eyes. Their noses brushed in an uncharacteristically intimate gesture as Jim whispered, “So that one day you’ll say it out loud and realise how totally _stupid_ it sounds.”

Spock’s heart thundered in his ears as speculated over Jim’s face, so close and earnest. Jim was a consistently honest Human; highly manipulative, almost empathically intuitive at times – and always incredibly candid.

“You infuriate me,” Spock said blandly, even though all he felt was an alleviating sense of elation that left him faintly dizzy.

“ _Aw_.” Jim smiled, his face transforming to something light and playful. He cupped Spock’s face in his palms and a warm zing passed between them like static electricity. “You do know how to flatter a girl.”

Their lips brushed once, twice, and then parted before the sparks could catch into wildfire. Jim pulled back with a sharp bite to Spock’s bottom lip, just beyond uncomfortable. A soft shudder rippled through Spock’s frame as Jim’s mouth fluttered at Spock’s ear. His voice was velvety with want, gruff with restrained emotion.

“You’re not nothing, Spock. You’re everything. _Everything_. Don’t make me tell you twice.”

Spock pressed his lips to the curve of Jim’s neck, closed his eyes, and sighed.


End file.
